Yesterday, I promised myself that I was going to start each day [or most days] blogging. There is always so much going on in my head and things I want to say and share and document and it never makes it here. I’m always telling myself that after I finish editing this set, or after I quit working for the evening – which never seems to happen until I’m too tired to focus on anything, or after this or after that. And guess what? I never get to it, I am the ultimate procrastinator. And I’m only hurting myself for it, my memory fades quickly these days and backtracking the important things just gets hard.

So, my mornings will now be getting kids off to school, grabbing something warm to drink, and ignoring the email and the messenger and Facebook and all things cyber tempting and take some minutes for myself to just put down the things I need to that are current, and for a while I’ll be adding some back things as well, because there are important things, and I slacked.

I’m lost, I need to find myself.  I feel wrapped up in kids and parenting and work and being pregnant, preparing for a baby, and being a little lonely. I know that I get tied in my head because I don’t always get to say the things I want to and I spend plenty of time alone. The alone is good, I’ve always like that, I enjoy the quiet time to just do what I want and not feel so busy. But it’s a killer. I get stuck in ruts, I over think things, I get a bit introverted and kind of shut out and shut down. While I’m not sitting around feeling sorry for myself, I’m sitting around feeling sorry for myself. Pregnancy is one of those things that so many people understand and can commiserate but at the same time be totally clueless. We feel like we are in a world of our own and throw mini pity parties regularly. That is me right now. I want out.

It’s 3:45 am. I’ve now been awake 2 hours. I laid in bed for the first 45 minutes but was so uncomfortable and my mind started racing and I just decided to get out of bed instead. Either I was going to be productive while awake or I was going to mess around for a while and then get tired enough to fall back asleep. Neither is happening, imagine that. Instead, I’m still tired but uncomfortable, my legs are swollen and achy, I feel like I have a million things to do but don’t want to do any of them. I’m sure I will feel sleepy enough to crash again in an hour or so, just when it’s about time to get up and get the kids going. At least I have nothing on my schedule outside of the house for the day. I will stay in my PJs and get done what I can and catch up on some napping if I can find a comfortable position to lay in.

I’m whiny and cranky. I’m not really moody but I swing here and there, sometimes kind of extreme. I want to complain like crazy but I don’t want to complain at all. I don’t care if people are sympathetic or not, sometimes I just need to complain, even if they are annoyed. Does it make me feel better? Not really. But I guess saying it out loud is better than just thinking about it and feeling like I’m the only one who knows what the heck I’m feeling. Deadly cycle at it’s finest.

The day starts again in just a couple of hours and I’m sitting awake at the computer. I feel pathetic. And bored. And I just can’t focus on anything. I suppose this sty that is my house is not helping at all. It’s disorder makes me all disordered. Maybe I should spend some time trying to tidy up something today.

I’m yawning. But I can’t make myself get up and go back to bed. I should try.

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