There are days when bedtime can’t come soon enough. The exhaustion from the day has met its end, the fussing and busy are just too much. I cannot wait for all heads to hit pillows and the house to be silent. SILENT. It’s probably the only time when I really relax, that is if my eyes don’t slam shut faster than I blink.

And most mornings I wake up to someone in the shower, the dogs woofing, a cat pawing at the door, or most often, a baby waking next to me. Sometimes, I LOVE that. Levi can wake up so happy and giggling and even when it feels just too early to be alive, he reminds me that morning is a great time. Other times, it’s a screamer or a crier and the air outside the heavy blankets is so stifling and opening my eyes is the last thing I want to do.

And then there are days like today, when I woke up to total darkness, a silent house, and didn’t feel like a zombie. No thanks to my bladder, but still. It’s so nice to just lay in bed, staying warm, hearing babies breathe, and enjoying the quiet before getting on with the busy. It gives me quiet time to reflect and be thankful, to smile and love all my babies that much more.

Never does a day go by that I’m not so very thankful to be a stay at home (yeah right, mamataxi!) mom. In our big family, we all make sacrifices, but James makes the biggest one of all. He leaves every week to be gone for 3.5 days, to support our whole family. Not too shabby considering most work at least 5 days a week, but at least they are home some every day. He gets up super crazy early, stays up way too late, gets only a few hours of sleep here and there, all so he can be home as much as possible. I try not to complain when the days are long and hard and exhausting, I know it could be so different. This is the life we have chosen, to benefit us all the most. And how awesome are cell phones these days? Gosh, it would all be so different without daily pictures and texts and phone calls and OMG Facetime! Lucas is still a bit weirded out by Facetime – how did dad get in that phone?! – but soon he will love it and I know that it makes the days go a little faster for James.

He is an excellent provider. I am a sucky housekeeper. But I am an awesome mom. I have my moments, I’m not perfect, it’s a learning process for everyone even when you’re doing it for the 5th time. We try to improve every day. There is always a better way, a smarter way, but sometimes we take the easy way which isn’t always that great. I love being a mom. When I was 20 years old and pregnant for the first time, I knew that I would love being a mom. But I had no idea that I would love it this much. Who knew that I’d be so fortunate to do it 5 times over and dedicate my whole day to doing what I love. Seriously though, sometimes I’m lazy. I’m not all hands on and crafty (only in my head, I am) and entertaining. Sometimes I just let my kids, wait for it, play on their own! It’s important. But no matter what, I’m right here, trying not to hover (because that is easy), to learn from them as much as they learn from me.

At the end of the day, when I’m waiting for all heads to hit the pillows, I just want them to know that more than anything, they are loved so completely. That I love being their mom and look forward to watching them grow. And I thank James often for being who he is and allowing me to be who I am. He really is super awesome.

Sometimes, I love the dark quiet mornings when I can just lay in bed, count my blessings, and start my day off loving my family so completely. My heart is full. So full.

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