I’m a hands on mom, I’m home all day with my babies and wouldn’t trade that for anything. I have a bit a lot of noise intolerance [inherited from my dad] so there typically is no such thing as “cry it out”, not even for a minute, in our house. I have to say, that I’ve been pretty lucky. I think that my kids have all been pretty easy for the most part, not big criers, well entertained on their own or by others, and not OMG SO NEEDY.

Until Now.

But, I know it could be worse. I have heard worse. And I have many times been oh so thankful to see other babies/children and know that they were not mine and I did not have to deal with THAT.

The realization is, we have done this to ourselves. We have given in over and over and over to avoid the crying, to try to accommodate his lack of verbal skills by asking him if he wants everything under the sun, to just keep the peace because we are busy and not feeling like having the energy to do anything different than just give in.

It’s hard being a parent. We want to have fun and raise good people. We want to teach, but not dictate. We want to be firm, but not strict. We want to do it right, but knowing what’s right is a never-ending parenting mystery. I was raised by screamers and spankers and I do not ever want to be that parent. We weren’t given a lot of choices, we were told, “no, because I said so” more times than, “sure, that sounds like a great idea.” I’m not a perfect parent, I have lost my cool, I have raised my voice, I have had to apologize to my children too many times. But I try to learn a better way all the time. I want them to know that there is a better way.

And somehow, in the crazy chaos of  it all – we have really slacked off with Lucas. Maybe it came from having a preemie colicky baby – there was a whole lotta cryin’ goin’ on for quite awhile! Maybe it’s me, being too tired while James is gone. Or maybe it’s James, overcompensating for his time away by giving in when he’s  home. This past week has been really, obnoxiously tough.

Lucas just wants what he wants and if he doesn’t get it, he screams. The kind of screaming that forces all the snot to flow from his nose and the hyperventilating sounds to occur, along with a bright red face and oh so many tears. It’s all I can take right now to just let him have his fit, not try to console him or offer him something else or bargain with him to just get him to stop. I don’t like to see him that way, but I do know that he’s being willful. He’s  not hurt or scared, he’s just pissed off. He’s worked it for some time and we’ve given in far too much. But the undoing that behavior, it might kill me dead.

I KNOW it’s about consistency. I talk about it all the time. But I’m not so great at it in all situations. James isn’t either. He has the guilty feelings maybe more than I do. We are both aware that being inconsistent isn’t helping anything. But we haven’t yet found a good way to stick to our guns and wait out this period, and get things going in the right direction again.

And in the meantime, I’m EXHAUSTED. Screaming to sleep, waking up crying and mad, starting the day off on a bad note every day for a week is really taking it’s toll. There is a secluded beach with my name on it somewhere!

And I know that it’s only temporary. This is only a short time in our parenting life. While it feels like hours and hours and that he might scream his life away, it’s not. And he won’t. My brain and attachment/helicopter mommy guilt isn’t understanding that at all. So it’s hard. REALLY HARD. I worry about the long term effects. But there isn’t any way that I can let this carry on. Because those long term effects are likely to be far more detrimental.

In the meantime, I suck it all up and stuff it all in and consume cookies and brownies to temporarily find my happy place. I look forward to James being home so I can get a little bit of breathing room – so the wait it out doesn’t feel so long and harsh. I wish winter wasn’t arriving so quickly so that fresh air and activity could break this up a little bit more.

The undoing of created behavior. It’s going to be my undoing!