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The big kids went back to school this morning (more on that later) which means that summer has officially ended for us. I am so sad to see it end, I love summer so much – the hot sun, the long days, time with the kids, food on the grill, laughter all day long, baseball games, pool time, walks and trips to the park, hanging out with friends and family, neighborhood kids everywhere, no schedule, little routine, and a lot of R&R. So much kept us busy this summer, mostly Lucas and Levi, but busy enough that I found no time to write it all out or share the pictures. And to be honest, most of the pictures are still on the camera. A LOT of pictures! Nearly every day I formulated a post in my head or found the time to jot a few notes, but I never found or took the time to get it here, which makes me sad, but nothing can replace just spending the time with the family. And we’re growing a big family here!

I can’t wait to find the time to get these hundreds of images off my camera to share them. So much of our lives are documented on Instagram but nothing quite compares to a full size image. One of these days I’ll make the time.

I’ve been thinking for awhile and need to say it out loud so I can once again give it the good college try – I want to write more!! I gave myself the summer to just enjoy it and not feel tied to any additional responsibilities. But as my children grow so very quickly and we are so fortunate to be able to do all the things that we do, I want to have a beautiful photo and written record for them. I need to force myself to take the time, because it’s good for me too, it is my creative outlet. And in the past months with 2 babies and busy big kids, there isn’t much “ME” time to be had. My business is on hold, my responsibilities are mostly contained within the home, and I just need to do something for me. I look forward to doing that and sharing our lives. Ok, said out loud – now must follow through!

Time to push that camera card into the computer and start the days long process of sorting, editing, uploading, and posting images. Probably one big picture post. But after I share the first day of school pictures! I cannot believe how fast my children grow. I am one proud mom for sure!

 

Yep, it’s me, attempting to be a blogger again. I’m trying not to have anxiety over all the gaps and holes in this blog, trying not to want to start a new one or wipe this one clean, trying to come to terms with being imperfect and knowing that it’s OK to have gaps and holes that I can fill in later if I want, or I can leave them. They might prove to be good conversation starters – someone wanting a gap filled in and wonder how I went from a pregnancy test with baby #4 to having a 6 week old baby #5, all in 2 years! In all reality, I probably WON’T get caught up, there will always be gaps and holes, but moving forward, I hope to tell a pretty fun story of our crazy life.

Because our life IS crazy. Crazy good. Crazy hard at times. And sometimes, just crazy crazy! But I wouldn’t change it.

It’s taken me nearly 3 whole days to type this far – I deleted and rewrote a few lines, then deleted them again. But really, with all of the distractions, responsibilities, and lack of free time, getting this far was quite the accomplishment! I’m going to publish this as is, then move on to something else. 🙂

 

Every day I write blog posts and share images – in my head. They never quite make it out through the fingers and onto the actual blog. I have mental notes and physical notes to go back and add important entries but that list just keeps getting longer. I’ve told myself that I will blog first thing in the morning, when I am fresh and it’s quiet at home so I’m not distracted, but I’m always distracted – it just doesn’t seem to work out that way. And now that Lucas is here, it makes it even harder. I don’t get out of bed until he’s awake so the quiet uninterrupted first thing in the morning time just doesn’t exist anymore. I have a big desire to finally share the blog with everyone but feel like I can’t until I get things caught up. The blog doesn’t even acknowledge Lucas’ birth yet! Gosh I’m such a crummy mama that way! I have so many things to put here, so many pretty images, so much fun. I need to get serious about this. I see plenty of other friends that keep up their space several days of the week, they find the time and the words and get it all done. I know that right now I’m having much more fun with my new baby, and his daddy who is still here and who I wish would be here every single day forever and ever, and our whole family who just makes me happy inside and out. And still, I’m blogging about having difficulties with finding time to blog instead of just blogging the important things!

And just while typing that little paragraph, I got something to eat, let the dog out, put in a load of laundry, and sorted some laundry. I also checked Facebook 2 times, email 3 times, and watched some good food cooking on Rachael Ray. ADD much? Definitely too much. This is the story of my every single day – constant distraction and total lack of focus.

Now I’ve whined and made excuses and I feel a little better putting something in this space. Now I’m going to get some more practical things done and plan a schedule to get the back log of entries done. Dear Heidi, be a better blogger – you love doing it and slack off far too much – just do it!

Yesterday, I promised myself that I was going to start each day [or most days] blogging. There is always so much going on in my head and things I want to say and share and document and it never makes it here. I’m always telling myself that after I finish editing this set, or after I quit working for the evening – which never seems to happen until I’m too tired to focus on anything, or after this or after that. And guess what? I never get to it, I am the ultimate procrastinator. And I’m only hurting myself for it, my memory fades quickly these days and backtracking the important things just gets hard.

So, my mornings will now be getting kids off to school, grabbing something warm to drink, and ignoring the email and the messenger and Facebook and all things cyber tempting and take some minutes for myself to just put down the things I need to that are current, and for a while I’ll be adding some back things as well, because there are important things, and I slacked.

I’m lost, I need to find myself.  I feel wrapped up in kids and parenting and work and being pregnant, preparing for a baby, and being a little lonely. I know that I get tied in my head because I don’t always get to say the things I want to and I spend plenty of time alone. The alone is good, I’ve always like that, I enjoy the quiet time to just do what I want and not feel so busy. But it’s a killer. I get stuck in ruts, I over think things, I get a bit introverted and kind of shut out and shut down. While I’m not sitting around feeling sorry for myself, I’m sitting around feeling sorry for myself. Pregnancy is one of those things that so many people understand and can commiserate but at the same time be totally clueless. We feel like we are in a world of our own and throw mini pity parties regularly. That is me right now. I want out.

It’s 3:45 am. I’ve now been awake 2 hours. I laid in bed for the first 45 minutes but was so uncomfortable and my mind started racing and I just decided to get out of bed instead. Either I was going to be productive while awake or I was going to mess around for a while and then get tired enough to fall back asleep. Neither is happening, imagine that. Instead, I’m still tired but uncomfortable, my legs are swollen and achy, I feel like I have a million things to do but don’t want to do any of them. I’m sure I will feel sleepy enough to crash again in an hour or so, just when it’s about time to get up and get the kids going. At least I have nothing on my schedule outside of the house for the day. I will stay in my PJs and get done what I can and catch up on some napping if I can find a comfortable position to lay in.

I’m whiny and cranky. I’m not really moody but I swing here and there, sometimes kind of extreme. I want to complain like crazy but I don’t want to complain at all. I don’t care if people are sympathetic or not, sometimes I just need to complain, even if they are annoyed. Does it make me feel better? Not really. But I guess saying it out loud is better than just thinking about it and feeling like I’m the only one who knows what the heck I’m feeling. Deadly cycle at it’s finest.

The day starts again in just a couple of hours and I’m sitting awake at the computer. I feel pathetic. And bored. And I just can’t focus on anything. I suppose this sty that is my house is not helping at all. It’s disorder makes me all disordered. Maybe I should spend some time trying to tidy up something today.

I’m yawning. But I can’t make myself get up and go back to bed. I should try.

The silence around here is deafening – but not from a lack of trying. I do not remember early pregnancy being so exhausting! I’m coming out of hibernation and starting to get back to the world of daily living and I hope that means I can get caught up on some blogging. There are plenty of things I have written in my head and pictures I have edited that just have not yet made it here. But I hope soon.

I’m trying to work my way out of a dreary weather, pregnancy exhaustion, and no strict summer schedule funk. My brain has gone all ADD and most days I seem to finish nothing. You do not even want to see my house right now! I keep joking that I need to get a maid to just get the house clean, and then maybe I’ll be able to keep it up again. It’s just overwhelming now since I’ve slacked about it for too many weeks.

So really, I have some catching up to do. I’m going to make the attempt to keep moving forward while also backtracking and filling in a few key dates and some images. It might take me a little time but that’s the plan. I need to have a plan and stick to it. I’m kind of the queen of not sticking to my own plan. One of these days I will figure out the trick to keeping it all together.

For those of you that know me, you’re probably rolling your eyes so far into the back of your head right now. I think this makes blog number 4 or 5 [including business]. I’m the queen of procrastination and incomplete projects – but I always have the best of intentions.

It’s been on my mind a lot lately, getting back to blogging. So much of my day is work related or family related and little of it is me related. This is something that I started for myself before, to just talk about all things me and my family. Then it turned into sharing all about the family for the extended family and friends which was great! Then it turned into a dead-end street that went no where. It stopped. Life got busy, blogging definitely took the back seat. But now there are things I want to share, ideas that are brewing around, and new adventures every day. I want to share again, interact with the world again, I want to blog.

Will I keep this blog? Most likely. Will I merge it with Just Maybe Someday? Maybe someday. Why not just keep up with Just Maybe Someday? Well, it’s been dead in the water for a while and it’s pretty public. And I have secrets that I’m not ready to share to the public yet. So I’m documenting now and sharing later. For now, time to get the basics in order around here and to start some cool posts. One day at a time. And I need some sticky tape too, I don’t want to end up with blog #6, but I wouldn’t be surprised, I’m kinda impatient like that.